Log in

brutal honey
08 April 2014 @ 09:00 pm
When good things happen I never know who to exclaim to. I guess keeping it to myself feels good too, like little fireworks in my belly.
I killed it at the meeting. I made the scariest old white men laugh. In abs class today, my cookiedough ass out-planked everyone in plankwars. and I only thought I was a fat disgusting cow a few times today, instead of it being consistent on my mind. This is such an understatement of how incredible today went.
That meeting, my first meeting.. !

I havent been sleeping again. I think running will help.
brutal honey
06 April 2014 @ 10:04 am
I have always had this curiosity...or obsession with death. But it starts to get weird when I, in my mind, start running through scenarios of Laika's death.
brutal honey
15 March 2014 @ 08:16 am
I spend so much time thinking about worst case scenarios, that I almost forget there's also a best case scenario.
Current Location: 77056
Current Mood: clarity
brutal honey
09 February 2014 @ 09:38 pm
Andy Warhol said he stopped worrying about personal relationships once he bought a TV.
brutal honey
17 December 2013 @ 08:53 pm
man, i miss facebook. but i dont want to want to know everything about everyone. once i realized i was using it for the wrong reasons, i knew it had to go.
brutal honey
01 December 2010 @ 11:02 pm
It's been 10 months since I returned from my year in Spain.
It really does feel like...it just never happened...it feels like it was a dream, something that i only saw happen from a distance...I'm terribly happy that i did post on this livejournal the few times i did. looking back, my journal entries from then are more valuable to me than the hundreds of pictures i took over there

my first goal was to create a home for myself, i cant stress the importance, my obsession with 'home' , a concept i have been chasing after for centuries now!
i feel like ive done that, i put up the curtains, and i have the first aid kit, and the cake mixing bowls, and the tea set ill never use, and the good dishes vs the every day dishes...
and i am happy. i love it, i love every little detail of it. i know, i know, this is the opposite of 'fight club', but after the most uncomfortable and unstable year of my life, this is exactly what i needed. it feels like me.
michael and I have been dating for almost a year now- it started when he came to see me in spain. i honestly feel like i found someone i could spend the rest of my life with. he believes in God, and hates wearing shoes. we started living together only after 4 months of dating, which was a risk but i think everything is working out, an im happy. he's not perfect, many flaws, but i think thats ok. he's very peculiar. but he likes the blues. but i think im learning how to be nicer from him. and he always brings me a glass of water if im coughing in my sleep.

in regards to current struggles, there are plenty.
returning from spain, i felt that...in spain..things were plateauing like you wouldnt believe...stagnant...the chaos was becoming predictable...instability losing its charm and becoming expected. Well, coming back from Spain- i felt incredibly ambitious, i was ready to conquer. i knew i could do it, i was very aware of my capabilities.
however, im still working as a hostess at a restaurant, its becoming very difficult and stressful to find a job. although im good with saving money, my pay does not match my dreams
(which ill go ahead and include here...
1. trip to london to visit my sister
2. own property in 2/3 yrs
3. attain a puppy, preferable husky or hunting dog)))

my lack of a proper career/salary destroys my self esteem, i feel useless, and stuck, i feel like my hourly wage keeps me trapped in this bubble...theres only a certain standard of living i can afford, and thats it. that is not a problem, but i dont like being forced into a limited option.
and now that i have my home, i have my soulmate, i think about the future a lot, i worry profusely, to no-end. i worry about health insurance, about health, about babies, about wedding, about whether i can afford the wedding i want (i mean, seriously, where do people get that money from?? how did my sisters pay for their weddings??) , am i supposed to go back to school? am i ever going to find a job? is michael? are we doomed to work restaurant gigs forever? how does a christian-atheist couple raise their kids? i worry about owning property one day, and i even worry about property taxes, i worry about providing for a future family, i worry and worry...
all of this worry, and all of this stress leads to so much negativity and forces me to focus not only on my faults, but the faults of everyone else around me. and i become bossy, and boring, and mean.
and its frustrating, because i truly feel the weight of the burden of being responsible.
at the same time, i feel like if i was going to learn anything from Evan's death, the simplest lesson would be to not worry about the future right?? to live every day like its the last etc etc etc.
but how could i not worry. someone needs to, anyway.

and i miss spain, i miss spain so much i cant stand it sometimes. and i wish i could do it again, but i feel like i would be putting off life longer when i should be getting my act together.
i really suffer quite a bit often thinking about what i should or shouldnt do/or want, for that matter.
but im trying to not over think. trying to relax, count my blessings, the usual-

me and michael are getting into the Dr Who series, which im digging, mostly cause of its campiness!
brutal honey
29 March 2010 @ 09:08 pm
1. made it back to the states
2. the true friends did stick around, some did not
3. living at home is horrible
4. applying for jobs like a madman, no luck, but got hired on the spot for a hostess position at a fine dining restaurant which starts in 2 weeks, pay is better than expected for the position, so thats quite positive
5. starting to run and eat healthy again
6. michael mead :)
7. bought a new harmonica
8. new goals include: apartment by may 1st, lose 6 lbs, work work work, save save save, eventually land a proper fulltime, right now just focusing on building a home for myself (and michael)

slowly piecing things together.
brutal honey
29 January 2010 @ 04:34 pm
1. mead ended up extending his flight for 2 additional weeks
2. my harmonica got smashed by a metro accident on new years eve- guess it wasnt meant to be
3. everything is about to change (again)
4. I am now a shareholder
5. the next 2 years are going to have a high level of significance to me
6. god. i hope im doing the right thing the right way.
brutal honey
21 December 2009 @ 01:14 pm
1. I woke up this morning to snow. a lot of it! no puedo creer lo!!! -i dont have shoes for this weather. the holes in my chucks have become incorrigible.

2. Meady's plane arrives in Madrid this Thursday. He has no idea how significant his trip here is to me. For him, it's just a european christmas adventure. But, I just wanna' share a cigarette with him and have someone to talk to. Finally. I'm going to fall in love with him faster than I've ever fallen in love with anyone.

3. Peruvian christmas dinner on midnight of the 24th and then flight to Barcelona on the 26th

4. Intern Journal: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p00thvvIin4

5. I like Jack White a lot. Because his music really flirts and plays around the blues.

6. After the holidays, I plan to pursue, actively, a hunt for certain records, including, Son House

7. 2 more full work days, and then 2 weeks vacation.

8. I'll try to make solid efforts to get better at the harmonica.

9. not to mention, that script. :( .