It's been 10 months since I returned from my year in Spain.
It really does feel like...it just never happened...it feels like it was a dream, something that i only saw happen from a distance...I'm terribly happy that i did post on this livejournal the few times i did. looking back, my journal entries from then are more valuable to me than the hundreds of pictures i took over there
my first goal was to create a home for myself, i cant stress the importance, my obsession with 'home' , a concept i have been chasing after for centuries now!
i feel like ive done that, i put up the curtains, and i have the first aid kit, and the cake mixing bowls, and the tea set ill never use, and the good dishes vs the every day dishes...
and i am happy. i love it, i love every little detail of it. i know, i know, this is the opposite of 'fight club', but after the most uncomfortable and unstable year of my life, this is exactly what i needed. it feels like me.
michael and I have been dating for almost a year now- it started when he came to see me in spain. i honestly feel like i found someone i could spend the rest of my life with. he believes in God, and hates wearing shoes. we started living together only after 4 months of dating, which was a risk but i think everything is working out, an im happy. he's not perfect, many flaws, but i think thats ok. he's very peculiar. but he likes the blues. but i think im learning how to be nicer from him. and he always brings me a glass of water if im coughing in my sleep.
in regards to current struggles, there are plenty.
returning from spain, i felt that...in spain..things were plateauing like you wouldnt believe...stagnant...the chaos was becoming predictable...instability losing its charm and becoming expected. Well, coming back from Spain- i felt incredibly ambitious, i was ready to conquer. i knew i could do it, i was very aware of my capabilities.
however, im still working as a hostess at a restaurant, its becoming very difficult and stressful to find a job. although im good with saving money, my pay does not match my dreams
(which ill go ahead and include here...
1. trip to london to visit my sister
2. own property in 2/3 yrs
3. attain a puppy, preferable husky or hunting dog)))
my lack of a proper career/salary destroys my self esteem, i feel useless, and stuck, i feel like my hourly wage keeps me trapped in this bubble...theres only a certain standard of living i can afford, and thats it. that is not a problem, but i dont like being forced into a limited option.
and now that i have my home, i have my soulmate, i think about the future a lot, i worry profusely, to no-end. i worry about health insurance, about health, about babies, about wedding, about whether i can afford the wedding i want (i mean, seriously, where do people get that money from?? how did my sisters pay for their weddings??) , am i supposed to go back to school? am i ever going to find a job? is michael? are we doomed to work restaurant gigs forever? how does a christian-atheist couple raise their kids? i worry about owning property one day, and i even worry about property taxes, i worry about providing for a future family, i worry and worry...
all of this worry, and all of this stress leads to so much negativity and forces me to focus not only on my faults, but the faults of everyone else around me. and i become bossy, and boring, and mean.
and its frustrating, because i truly feel the weight of the burden of being responsible.
at the same time, i feel like if i was going to learn anything from Evan's death, the simplest lesson would be to not worry about the future right?? to live every day like its the last etc etc etc.
but how could i not worry. someone needs to, anyway.
and i miss spain, i miss spain so much i cant stand it sometimes. and i wish i could do it again, but i feel like i would be putting off life longer when i should be getting my act together.
i really suffer quite a bit often thinking about what i should or shouldnt do/or want, for that matter.
but im trying to not over think. trying to relax, count my blessings, the usual-
me and michael are getting into the Dr Who series, which im digging, mostly cause of its campiness!