Log in

brutal honey
10 September 2014 @ 06:59 pm
L.A. booked.

New Mexico booked.
brutal honey
13 August 2014 @ 08:08 pm
New York ticket booked.
Growlers playing a show in September.
King Khan BBQ playing in September.
September is looking good for rock n roll.
But Atmosphere on tour now, doing a show in November.
Still need to book LA.
and now, Belize.

I move in 48 hours. Again. againagainagainagainagain.
brutal honey
09 August 2014 @ 04:51 pm
 photo chance_zpscd3ed845.jpg
brutal honey
09 August 2014 @ 04:01 pm
my mom is back in town. She missed the death, she missed the funeral. she missed everything. It was a heartbreaking homecoming.

I told Mo I wish me and him were the only siblings born. He agreed. He said the two older ones are so well adjusted - they got married, they have a house, theyre so normal with normal families. That could have been our lives.

I move in 6 days. This has to be the last attempt though.
brutal honey
11 July 2014 @ 06:51 pm
Last Wednesday night I got the phone call that my grandfather had passed away just moments before.
In Islam, they believe there is no attachment to the body - once dead, the body yearns to become one with the earth. Until the body is buried, the soul will remain in pain. The funeral was the next day. Open casket. I was the only one who wouldnt go up to it.
My sister explained to me that when someone dies their soul doesnt know where to go yet, so it hovers above the body for awhile - that it's important to go up to the body so the soul can know youre there and say goodbye. But there was no way I was going to go up to the casket.
In Islam, the body gets removed from the coffin when it is buried, so it can literally grow one with earth. I like that.
The whole day ran like a Salinger short story. It is weird to think of my grandfather in the ground. And I am having a hard time with it.

I want to chop more of my hair off. I wish I had no hair.

New York, New York - Sept
Carlsbad, New Mexico - October
Los Angeles, California - November
Auckland, New Zealand - December
brutal honey
29 June 2014 @ 09:00 pm
these are my parents
 photo IMG_0041_zpsa69808b7.jpg

this is my mom with her first child
 photo IMG_0017_zps27a76320.jpg

this is me, her third child
 photo IMG_0063_zps499b8245.jpg

check out these assholes
 photo IMG_0012_zpse546bb81.jpg

I forget my mom was young once too, like me

 photo IMG_0009_zpsd9c1e590.jpg

and she was really young once...
 photo shahida_infant_zps1db4b2ac.jpg

the two men on the far corners are my grand fathers, the women next to them are my grandmothers, the children around them are who raised me
 photo momanddadfamilies_zpsad654011.jpg

my mom on the far right, with her mother and sister
 photo nanijaanandtwodaughters_zpsfde25d20.jpg
brutal honey
29 June 2014 @ 12:48 pm
when i tell nikki my heart is broken, she replies with:
"mariam, breaking your heart is a quotidian activity for you"
brutal honey
23 June 2014 @ 09:29 pm
My grandfather was 18 when he married my grandmother when she was 15.
They had 7 children, and my mother was the oldest.

He was a captain of a ship. This is him sitting on his deck:

 photo papa_zps97391ff1.jpg

this is a picture of his boat in the background:
 photo IMG_0005_zpsabc6cc4a.jpg
brutal honey
14 June 2014 @ 10:01 am
Last week nanejahn suffered a major heart attack. I'm not sure how much time is left --
I'll spend tomorrow morning in ICU with him, he's been sedated for the last 3 days, on Monday...they'll have to make a decision. I couldn't really understand what my mom meant when she said 'decision'
I visited him in ICU a few days ago, he ordered steak and I cut it up into pieces so it would be easier for him to eat. I tried cutting the bread stick, but it was too tough to cut, I told him that it was shitty bread and told him not to eat it, and we both sort of laughed.
I wonder how my siblings will deal with this..i dont think we'll talk to each other about it, i doubt we would talk to any one.
I feel nervous.
brutal honey
12 April 2014 @ 06:03 am
Sleeping at 3am, waking up at 6am. I just want healthy sober sleep.