not sure why im updating
i dont even know what to say!


im at the coast of portugal these days.

dearest homies,

man, it feels like forever since i last livejournal´d
it seems like all is well, and that the majority of your comments lead to implications of a good life
so im happy to hear it!

i did make it to Spain, Ive been living here for a month and a half now and things are going really well
i have an apartment, and a job, and working on attaining some sort of legal status

besos

5 days 'till departure

i think i have done everything i need to do, man
i canceled any contracts
tied any lose ends
spent a lot of time partying
spent a lot of time with family and mu nieces and nephew
even made it out to Round Top to see Evan's mom and his ashes, which was really nice and well needed, i love that family. and jan even got me a going away present and i just really love my one on ones with her
jonny's working on getting me audio book mp3s

getting my last hair cut tomorrow, and then i just need to figure out what my adventure-outfit will be!


xoxo
mariam

yesterday was my last shift hosting at pappas!!!
today is my last day at Joe's!!!

11 days 'till departure!!!


fuck.yes.


lovelove,

mariam!!!!!!

AAHHHHHHHHH

it's getting exciting now!

my vices are piling up at an incorrigible rate!!

Yesterday was especially difficult. I spent the entire day thinking about Evan but had no one to talk about it with. Sometimes my friends will mention Evan to me...like he's still alive or something..

I think working a second job helps.

buttttt Oct 11th Jay is meeting me up at his mom's place in Round Top! Hopefully he will bring Maddie (his new born!) with him! She blows spit bubbles whenever I hold her.

Jan- Evan's mom- is having a really difficult time, and I think she is becoming clinically depressed. Ever since Evan's death I feel really lost..but I know he loved his mom so much, and so I've taken it upon myself to make her feel more comfortable with this tragic change.

I always drive up there trying to be super strong, but it's really difficult and EVERY time it's the same way: I sit on the couch, Jan offers me some water or soda, and immediately I burst into tears.
But it's not my fault, you know..Seeing the box that contains his ashes is really fuckin intense.

I'm super exited about going to Round Top- it's soooo beautiful out there! And the weather is getting nicer, and I'm sure Jay will take me fishing again. Dang, he looks so much like Evan it's creepy as shit.

I hope everyone has started thinking about Halloween costumes!

-bought my ticket to LA/Vegas and will be eating Thanksgiving dinner at a beautiful suite at the MGM Grand hotel

-Paid off my ENTIRE credit card debt :)))!!!! which is super exciting and proof of my new responsible adulthood

-Got a second job- this way I will be getting about 9 free meals a week- which is actually 18 free meals a week. I can use this job to pay bills, and then my full time job to put away 1500 into savings for Spain

-oh, in case you didnt know, I'm moving to Spain. I already purchased my one way ticket and will be skipping the country on February 4th!

-I found out some interesting news about Evan, and am wondering if I am selfish enough to allow myself to share this burden with his brother, Jay

-I'll be staying the weekend with Evan's mom in Round Top and meeitng up with Jay and his new born baby Maddie up there too. I love them so much, and we've all become really great support for one another.

-I'm still outta' power. bogus

-I have some great neighbors, I've recently discovered

-work is going good, doing food drops to radio djs tomorrow :) and coordinating another Biker event ;)

-Schazti is doing good and is a fatty. I bought her some ratatouille brand desserts ;)

-zara and erik write really good haikus! and it's inspiring

-i am currently reading the Watchmen- and I like it!





(5) they say, look for light
(7) living in the dark is tough
(5) missing power-love

Day 5 no power







it's pretty nice being of of work and being able to bounce around and do whatever- of course im not doing anything productive.

all my pictures are on m'space

Today is Day 4 without any power.

Have run out of food and only have one bottle of hard liquor left
still have 1/2 a baggie of herbage
I do have a box of stove top stuffing

Montrose has been demolished!

but getting in a lot of good hang out time with everyone since we all live on the same street!
it's like camping!

but more wack!


being a refugee is tough!

Joe's Crab Shack 610 is opened and fully stocked, fyi
if youre looking for food
so is the fuqua location, an dhwy 6

Haven't posted in a really long time!

Things are going pretty good
Schatzi is being defiant as always
I think she might have a weight problem
but it's hard to tell..

I got an email from Jan (Evan's mom!) today, I mailed her a cd full of all my pictures and videos with Evan. There is this really kickass one with him playing the piano, I was swooning that day!
And then there is this really long video from his birthday last year. It was such a blast.
I miss him so much, it hasn't stopped hurting. I'm trying really hard to stay positive, and I don't think people around me realize how hard it is for me to try to be positive and happy. Most of the time it's fake but I feel like if I can fake it for long enough- after awhile I will start to feel better. I don't want this to weight me down, because I can hear Evan's voice telling me not to be down and to enjoy every moment I have. Not a day goes that by that I don't think about Evan. it's been 5 months since his death.

Too much partying this weekend, got a lot of good hanging out time in with a lot of people.

I had my first Biker night at Joe's. It went really well! Motorcycles are super hot

I've already started to design my Halloween costume!

This is going to be the first Halloween that I don't get to spend with Evan. He was such an important part of my Halloween holiday, it's going to be really weird. People have already begun to reminisce his past years costumes...
half naked horse-cowboy, storm trooper who forgot his clothes, American sumo wrestler wearing nothing but a speedo, and Hercules esque character.
So, it's really important for me to be something this year that I think Evan would get a kick out of
I thought about being Evan for Halloween- but all my friends will just think I'm depressed or suicidal or having a relaly disillusioned version of reality.
I think Evan would have loved it though! I need to make a trip to see Jan really soon- I try to go see Evan;s family at least once a month- it's really nice. And they've always been really loving towards me.

I got my ticket to LA, I'm going Nov 22nd and will be driving to Vegas and then flying back to Houston on the 30th! Thanksgiving in Vegas is going to be baller! And Teresa is flying back to Houston then too, so I will get to see her :))))

Life is easy, life is A+

a quarter life crisis.

hmm.

I just found out about Elliott Smith's death.

I wonder if anyone still pays attention to my livejournal?
I mostly just use my myspace for this sorta thing now
myspace.com/craftymoose

I went to Austin for a couple day
hung out with Chuck Palahniuk
and Zara
and Stephanie
And Erik
and Aimy

yeah, it was baller.

I have a really sick coffee addiction.

I'm going to see MIA in Dallas in just a week :)

Schatzi still despises me

I saw the Betty Page movie last night, you know, the Notorious Betty Page
It was pretty good and made me want to become a pin up model


jesus i have a really sick coffee addiction

I eat healthy all the time
I only eat salads and chicken and veggies
I'm pretty content with my weight at this point lol
pull ups have been helping me drop inches like magicalness
Right now I am about to have some really greasy WHATABURGER
I havent had fast food since New Years (props for keeping my resolution for as long as I did heh)

I just need to wait for my laundry to finish drying and then I'm going to completely conquer something disgusting.

Exciting!

America's Next Top Model is super intense!
I'm not used t prime time television so when I do watch it , it's shocking
I've mostly been just watching dvds, really.


Zara Jennifer- please let's do something this summer. acl?! buttttttt if jennifer comes in August then we should DEF plan something. I need figure out my vacation days!

I think Stephanie has the brownie thing down, because they taste soo delicious and make me trip like i'm shrooming. I was probably high for a good 18 hours. We had planned on decorating Easter eggs but once shit hit the fan, it was pretty much impossible to do anything that day.
All of our friends hate us now lol

In other news, I have a little ratkins now. She's so sweet and fucking adorable.
I dont have a name yet, but I call her Puppy or Schatzi

I have really good feelings about the future.

I bought a pull up bar. I think my apartment is finally set.

I got into a car accident recently, my first one. I think it went pretty smoothly. I get my car fixed for free, it looks janky as hell right now.

Work makes me anxious, I'm pretty much a complete failure in regards to crap like that.
It's a lack of self discipline, not to mention self motivation

I think the biggest reason me and Stephanie get along is because we lack any strong bonds with our parents. Everyone I know has really good and mostly happy relationships with their parents.

I always fantasized about what my first car accident would be like. I didnt act as cool as I thought I would.

Work is going really well. I pretty much landed a dream job. I dont have to work in an office. I get to do neat networking things. And talk to lots of people and go to interesting, but sometimes totally lame parties. But even at the lame parties have good food. and i'm a sucker for free food. It is kinda difficult though. It's a lot of work, I dont put as many hours in as I should and I have this constant fear I am going to get fired. But I plan on being really productive this week. I just feel so lazy or..something when it comes to this job and I seriously think I might have ADD. so I think I wanna get that checked out, and maybe i'll get some prescriptions

Evan and I saw each other last weekend. It was really nice. But we're never getting back together. I have absolutely no regrets or remorse about my relationship with him. We're still best friends And I thik we were always just friends. But I am beginning to realize that it's more difficult to meet someone new then it used to be. everyone around me is getting married or having babies. i'm just happy that all y friends live on the same block.

My apartmnent looks amazing, i'm pretty psyched about having a home.

I want to be lazy on this gorgues sunday afternoon, but i ahve lots to do!

oh and I bought my acl ticket :)

it's been so long since i've been around these parts
but im still reading and im still here
i just dont have internet hooked up yet

plus ive been busy as hell

my new apartment is soo nice, i love having my own place
i love having coffee and power wlaking with steph every morning

evan sent me a dozen roses for valentines, it was really sweet

my job is going well, but i feel anxious and feel like i might fail, yikes!

im planning a baby shower for my sister, and thats exciting and weird
baby stuff is so cheesy.

im going on a diet

i love the cds ive been listening too

im pretty content, im so close to my friends and love my place and houston

i wish i could help nikki plan her wedding
i wish she would fly to houston so we could plan it!

happy early birfdizzle, zara!!

I really don't know what I'm doing
I tried to start packing some of my things at Meghan's and I felt like I couldnt breath
I dont want to pack again
I dont want to live out of boxes
I dont want to live out of my car
I dont want to sleep on a couch
I dont want to sleep on an air mattress
I dont want to sleep in the baby's room
I dont want to be homeless
I dont want to feel like I've accomplished nothing

I really dont know what I'm doing
I have no earthly clue as to what is going to happen in the next year

I've only talked to Evan once in nine days. That kinda sucks. And I feel relaly alone. And I feel like this is too much to handle alone. the long distance thing wasnt that bad, we have an amazing relationship. but now that i actually kinda need him to be physically here, in person, for me, i know he cant do that. the sad part is that, and hes told me this, how his job is beneficial to both of us. an dhe does help me out a lot finanically. It's like I dont have a boyfriend though, hes not an active part of my life, i just have dibs on a life mate.
My friends have been nothing but darling to me.
I like the part timer im doing with hosting. I like that all my friends are working there too.

?It's decemeber and I just turned the a/c on.

I feel like shit today.

I hate my parents. but not as much as I used to.

due to unforeseen circumstances, I have to move out of this apartment soon
This time I really have nowhere to go.

I'll probably stay with Cassie, on her couch, for a couple weeks, but I really don't know what I'm going to do after that. Atleast I have a job and a car.
I know I can't keep moving from couch to couch. I'm not making enough money right now to afford my own place. I need a couple months to save. I'm terrified in drowning in financial problems.
I've been poor my whole life, but this is becoming ridiculous.
Most of my friends in Houston live on their own, and are completely financially independent, theyve all gone through what I'm going through right now. I just really wanna get to that point because right now i feel really scared and uneasy about the whole situation.

Getting my masters and living on campus is an option to prevent homelessness. Doing all of it on student loans. But then I would land in so much debt that my future self would have to take care of. And i would ahve a month to take the GRE..which seems kinda rushed.

I started hosting at Pappas Seafood, which is kinda neat cause all mmy homies are working over there, and i'll get paid more than what they were paying me at the mall..
but even though essentially, its an easy job, im kinda nervous..cause the whole restaurant environment is kinda intense...real busy..but its a small restaurant which makes me feel better
anyways, im gonna try to tick with this for awhile

Evan's birthday was yesterday, so on monday i drove to fort worth to surpise him! for his birthday dinner we went to this awesome German restaurant and their was this band their...cute little german band...and the lady could play the saw, so i snuck away..with Lindy from the table and talked to her and got her to play this hawaian wedding song on the saw and dedicate it to him from me for his birthday
it was really cute
german food is gooooooood!!!!!
and they gave free chocolate dessert, we were the last ones to leave and hung out with the band for a little bit, everyone who worked there was really awesome

i mean, she played the SAW yo!

i got Evan an acoustic guitar!
not to mention italian creme cake and coffee liquer!

i go home tomorrow morning...
my service engine ligth went on

arghhh
i ahve to confront my student loan officer
and my sister is having a boy!